Forget a career, time to get married - Modern Melanin #1

By Kireth Sandhu - January 2025

Happy New Year! You know what that means: new beginnings, fresh resolutions, and… bracing yourself for a wave of family interrogations. 🙃 If you’re brown and in your twenties or thirties, the classic “When are you getting married?” question is probably on all of your relatives minds.

Let’s talk about how to respectfully switch that dialogue, in the first edition in our Modern Melanin conversations series - handling tough topics with different generations.

The Dreaded Question

You’re mid-bite at the social event when a distant relation swoops in and asks that almost inevitable question. “When is the wedding date beta?”, “Still single at this age?” or any other variation of this judgement.

Maybe your unmarried status has been a point of tension between you and your parents, or maybe they’re supportive and instead it’s the community culture that is causing these frustrations.

You muster a polite smile and dodge the question with a generic “Not yet, auntie/ uncle.” But inside, you’re screaming: Why is my career never the topic of conversation?

Trust and Expectations

It may be hard to believe that these expectations actually come from a place of care. In our community, marriage has traditionally symbolised stability and security. But in today’s age of high divorce rates and strong individuality, many of us have realised that rushing to the temple, gurdwara or aisle may not be the smartest move.

Instead of getting defensive or brushing it off, try to reframe the question and shift the conversation to where your focus is at.

Career over marriage

Start by sharing what excites you about your studies or career. Here are some examples:

“Uncle, I’m currently putting all my effort on finishing my studies and making the most of my time in university.”

“You know Auntie, I’ve been focusing on my job lately. I just got promoted, and I’m leading a big project.”

“I’ll be travelling soon! Good to get that experience under my belt while I’m able.”

When you’re proud of what you’re working on, and you make that clear in a warm manner, you’re more than likely going to inspire curiosity or respect rather than disappointment.

Navigating the Pushback

Of course, not every relative will nod and say, “Ah, that makes sense.” Some will double down, insisting you’re putting career above family. It’s okay. You can’t change deeply ingrained cultural expectations overnight.

What you can do is hold your ground while keeping the tone light. Here’s a few lines you can keep in your back pocket:

“Auntie, don’t worry! Once I’ve conquered the corporate world, I’ll let you help me find my husband. You’ll be the first to know.”

“Uncle, if I’m not married by next year, we’ll set up a matrimonial ad together. Deal?”

Lighthearted responses can diffuse tension and show that you’re not dismissing their concerns—you’re just not prioritising them right now.

Why This Matters

Changing the narrative isn’t just about shutting down nosy relatives. It’s about advocating for yourself and your priorities and changing the culture. So many of us achieve every year, but these moments can be disrespected by expectations that are seemingly part of the brown experience.

By steering these conversations toward your goals, you’re not just setting boundaries - you’re challenging outdated norms.

Perhaps most importantly, it’s an opportunity to inspire younger family members who might be watching. You are showing them that it’s okay to chart your own path, and build your own success before or instead of marriage.

Leaning on their experience

Family conversations around marriage aren’t going anywhere. But that doesn’t mean they have to dominate your year.

A lot of older members of our community have also had their own successful careers and life experiences. This dialogue shift may cause them to open up and share some useful personal advice.

So the next time someone asks about your shaadi plans, take a deep breath and say, “Actually, I’ve been really excited about where my career is heading. Let me tell you about it.” Who knows? You might just spark a conversation that’s actually worth having.